Happy FIRST Birthday Rayaan

Rayaan is all of one today.
We have a sweet little personal day planned for him.

A slideshow of his life so far
http://picasaweb.google.com/vandanathomas/RayaanBirthdaySlideshow?authkey=Gv1sRgCMHWmMym3LP21wE#slideshow/5350929071372177986

The Last Day Of Terrible Twos

I don't imagine the terrible two's will melt into terrific threes ... But it's nice that he is entering into his 3rd year as an individual tommorrow. June 14th !! My husband captured these last few moments of him as a 2 year old.

He is really excited about his birthday tommorrow. He kept asking me .. "Ishaan's birthday ?? Ishaan's birthday?? ME?? ME??" It's lovely... the twinkle in his eye when he says that. We asked him what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday .. He said "DIEGO" without batting an eyelid!! He wants to go to Chuck-E-Cheese's .. :) He even knows which ride he wants. I guess he has seen something on TV...

I am so excited about tommorrow too. I feel like it's my birthday!! :)

Discovering A Passion

If you ask my arts and crafts teachers back from high school, what they thought about my aesthetic sense, I am sure they will draw a blank expression. Frankly speaking I don't even have a big collection of "artsy-craftsy" memories. The only memory from art class is that of learning to draw a beach scene with ducks in the sea, after being admonished and threatened with an 'F' for the class by our art teacher. So it came as a big surprise to me later on in life to discover a real passion for decorating.

The above is from a baby shower we threw for a very dear friend, Sri. I cannot claim full credit for the above. It would just not be possible without the help of my two dear accomplices Swapna and Vaishnavi. The theme was "Chocolates and Pink. All the accessories were made at home by the 3 of us, my mom pitched in by sewing the pillow covers. A lot of old containers in the house were transformed into vases. An old picture frame found its use to be dressed up as wall art. So thus a discovered passion was put to good use.

As per Harsha's request, I have uploaded some pics online.

http://picasaweb.google.com/vandanathomas/Hobbies_Decor#

My little sister's Prince Charming!!!

We don't realise when they get all grown up and ready to start a space of their own. We are almost five years apart and she has always been my kid sister. She would fiercely fight for her position as an adult right from when she was ten maybe. Her struggle to establish her identity as a full blown adult lasted even until a few years ago till my husband staged an intervention to put things into perspective. He upheld her status as a responsible woman and made me realise what a mature young lady she has become. Can you believe this little baby sister of mine is now an Assistant Professor ? !!

She has started an entirely new chapter in the book of her life, this past week. Ofcourse, the research for her book had been in the works for a while now. She has had her share of tribulations on her way towards this decision. I can remember , just a while ago I was praying she would find someone who loves her and who she loves, instead of going the whole shaadi.com / arranged marriage route. I am so glad she did find her Prince Charming!!

I am not against arranged marriages but this whole modern day arranged marriage arrangement a la the internet matrimony scene scares the living daylights out of me. I have heard too many horror stories to have any faith in it anymore. In the good old days, arranged marriages happened within a community, amongst friends and family. A family friend suggested an alliance and more often than not, the two families already had a lot of intersecting sets before a union of the sets took place. It was a comfortable arrangement and all the parties involved went to marriage with a peace of mind and an exciting anticipation of all that was to follow. The modern day internet alliances don't necessarily have that guarantee and that is what makes it a sham many a time. Ofcourse, I cannot write it off completely owing to many a success story that shines through every so often.

I am extremely grateful that I dont have to go through the anxious anticipation of what lies ahead. MANU has proved otherwise in more ways than one. She has found not just a wonderful person but an equally loving family. I don't want to jinx it by elaborating a whole lot. So I will just wish both my sister and Manu a loving life ahead. Congratulations on your engagement, darlings!!!

BTW: We are planning on nominating my parents for a "National Integration" award since we pretty much have a representation of all major Indian cultures in our family. We have always joked about how Fancy should marry a sikh ... and that would complete our "hindu muslim sikh isaai" requirements for national integration. Manu is a "dilwala from Delhi" and perhaps as close ro a punjabi as we could get. And to fulfill the "sikh" requirement, he even sent us some cute pics of him dressed up as "Sardar Manu Singhji". However, due to copyright reasons I would refrain from publishing them on my blog.

A small recap of the engagement ceremony!

Investing in your family lullaby

Everyone who knows me , knows how much I love to sing but can only manage to croak a bit. On several ocasions people have requested me to stop singing :). But ofcourse so far that has not deterred me from humming and singing any tune I hear on the radio. On the other hand, I am married to someone who not only loves to sing .. but also sings beautifully. But the irony of the situation is that it's me who ends up singing all our family lullabies and it's unfortunately me who gave my kids their first vocal lesson. So that leaves me with very little hope for any of them pursuing a singing career, even though that's my favorite career for them. Nevertheless, my sing has established a wonderful musical connection with my kids.

At long last, I finally have two admirers for my singing, atleast till they know better. When Ishaan was just a newborn, I would sing to him all day long. It had such a sweet lulling effect on him. He was a pretty colicky baby and I would spend hours just rocking him and singing to him. We made a connection especially with one song ... It was a lullaby that I only heard my sister singing. A song from the movie Muskurahat. The original song was meant for a girl baby. But my sister had modified it for Ishaan

Soja Soja Rajkumar (Sleep my dear prince)

Chand Sitaare So rahe (The moon and the stars are sleeping)

Mai Jaagoo Nadiya Jaage (I stay awake and so does the river)

Pankh Pakheru So gaye (The birds and butterflies have slept)

The tune of this song was so melodious that I couldn't help steal it and make it my family lullaby. This song always has had the desired effect on Ishaan and now Rayaan. I have even heard Ishaan hum and sing the song for Rayaan when he tries to put him asleep. I had never heard the original song and yesterday I decided to give my web search skills a try. After a massive combing operation, I eventually found this lullaby.

http://www.desi-radio.com/ondemand.php?songid[]=19663

It's amazing how lullabies soothe the soul. With our busy lifestyles we often forget the time honored , tried and tested method to calm fussy babies. From my experience, both as a kid and as a mother, there is nothing that can quite replace these intimate moments of connection between the mother and the child. When Rayaan was still in my tummy, I used to take Ishaan for kindermusik classes and one song we learnt there left a mark in my mind. After Rayaan was born, I would unwittingly sing that song to him all the time with different words that I made up myself.

Eg.

Its our time to sing a little song

Its our time to take a little nap

Its our time to take a little shower. etc. etc.

This tune/song has a remote control effect on Rayaan. If I hear him wake up and cry, I can sing this song from the other room and he will just go right back to sleep.

There are some songs and tunes that give me a painfully sweet nostalgia. Often I cannot index into the right page in my memory but images of me playing in a park or a feeling of being on a swing, overwhelm me. It makes me wonder if the song I heard had some relevance to my childhood. There is one such Malayalam song "Ayiram Kannumai" among the numerous other songs my mother would sing to us, that transports me into a flashback mode. When I hear these tunes playing, it always gives me a feeling of being cared for, of being secure and protected. It's almost a kind of soul soothing food.

So here's to this age old technique of melting hearts and making unwitting memories. Here's to Brahms and all the hush-a-byes that become a family heirloom forever.

Confirmed Diagnosis and its prognosis.

A nagging doubt was confirmed today. It all came out so matter-of-factly that it did not even sink in for sometime. A friend that had been acting really distant for a very long time finally confessed that he/she does not "like" me. It sounded very weird at first. It's one thing to not love someone ... but what does it take to not "like" someone? A gazillion thoughts flashed across my mind. I tried to stop them ... to block them... to pause them but all in vain. The eruption continued till I felt like I was cryogenised. At that point it was like my heart just froze.

It felt like I was sitting on a cloud drifting away into oblivion. It had reached a point where my mind built a fortress and no thought was penetrating it anymore. Or were my senses so numb to any perception?

So what does it take to not like someone? And if someone doesn't like you .. should it even matter? In this case it obviously mattered. It still matters. It is someone so indispensable ..so close. Admittedly, I have not had the most wonderful relationship with this person for a really, really long time. But there was never a moment that I did not care. Love they say cannot be bought ... but in this case even love could not conquer love!! I could even live with unrequited love .... but is liking and amity too much to ask for, I wonder?

Over that last few years, I have introspected and evaluated this matter very deeply. I have a tendency to overanalyse any situation. And in this case, I needed to know what I could do to make it better. I've tried almost every remedy in the book. I realised a long time ago that I have this inherent need to be liked. I happened to watch an episode of "The Golden Girls" one afternoon and it was an episode where one of the characters Rose was really upset about the fact that a colleague does not like her. To her utter dismay every effort of friendship from her side was thwarted by this colleague of hers. She was not used to being disliked. The rest of the girls tried to explain to her that it was okay if this one person in the world didn't like her. But it did not appeal to her well-being. I felt just like Rose. I could not let go of the fact that this person did not like me.

Finally while ruminating over it continually over a seemingly eternal time frame , I hit a point where I felt a sort of catharsis. I felt like this revelation was an ablution for all the hurt that I had been piling up. I felt like with all the penance and penitence even the good lord would forgive me some day. I felt that I donot deserve this self denunciation and disparagement. "To forgive is divine" is a christian doctrine that I hold very close to my heart. So I begin with forgiving myself today, maybe if I heal it will not matter anymore someday. And someday maybe my friend will heal the hurt and grant me mercy.

This is the altar at our house in India. It always feels like it's a special connection when I look at this picture.. I just had to fish this picture out today.

A Me-Me Tag : MEE MEE MOM-MEE

I have procrastinated, put this off, gave the run around it, dragged my feet about this, dawdled and tarried ... I even tried my best to act like I forgot all about it ... But well, it sat staring at me with its geico gecko like eyes ... and finally I threw in the towel and decided to humbly concede.

Ria tagged me ages ago.

So the task is to write like 25 things about me ... Oh ... that number scares me ... that's what scared me in the first place. I don't even know 25 things about me. Maybe I can still run. Maybe I can throw that towel over the gecko eyes and I won't see it anymore!!! Or maybe I have another plan. Let me write 25 things about being a mommy and 25 things about my kids ... Oh I could just go on and on. So here I go .. launching my incessant spiel!

1. I have always been a mommy. Even when I was just a little kid, I was always "mommy" to the rest of the kids. It was almost like an agony aunty kind of mommy. So I guess I have rehearsed my part of playing a mother in the real world, pretty well. But all that practice didn't make me perfect. I strive every single day, to gather my pandora's box of motherhood and push on to gain some ground on my endless laundry list of things to do. But through it all, its an extremely satisfying job. Thankless but yet gratifying , as paradoxical as it sounds!!

2. My first tryst with intangible emotions came in the form of this little 6 pound wonder named Ishaan. It probably was the first time I was at loss of words. I uttered some inarticulate, garbled banter in my anesthetised state both physically and mentally. He was a beautiful baby ... cute, pink and dainty. I was a bit nervous about how a clumsy, coarse and rough person like me would handle this delicate marvel. All I can say is that it was an on the job learning course and the outcome is a rambunctious rugrat albeit still cute!






3. On my second attempt, inspite of being more prepared both mentally and physically, I still felt the same rapturous delirium at being presented with my second 6 pound work of art and labor. Surpisingly all the weight I claimed was the baby's was ofcourse a big hoax. However, this time on, my dry run proved a little more effective and handling an angelface, cherub like Rayaan cautiously and daintily has become a skill that I have gained a fair amount of mastery on. This time the result is a calm and composed little cub.

4. Raising my two little boys has been quite an experience. They are as different as chalk and cheese. I wonder sometimes how can two kids born out of the same parents be so different. All I can say is we went fishing at two entirely different gene pools. Ishaan is a riot ... Rayaan is a saint. Ishaan's presence is felt even before he enters a room ... Rayaan blends into his surroundings almost like a camouflage. Ishaan is like a rockstar ... Rayaan is like a classical artist. Ishaan will kill before he eats ... Rayaan will kill to eat. Ishaan can test my patience .... Rayaan has taught me to enjoy patience. That pretty much summarizes a trailer of their differences. The full movie could be written into a book.

5. My journey as a mother has just about begun and as Robert Frost puts it ....miles to go before I sleep, both literally and metaphorically. I can almost say that I enjoy being a mother more than anything else. My take at motherhood is that I signed up for this voluntarily and will do all it takes to give it my best notwithstanding the mood swings and outbursts that accompany it.

Now those were 5 points about me me mommee!! I need 20 more.. So I will divide the next 20 into 10 points about Ishaan and 10 points about Rayaan after all they are completely a part of me-me (atleast so far)!

So Ishaan ................

Ishaan is a wonder, he can annoy you and melt you down. You can fall head over heels in love with him and at the same time hate him with a vengeance. He reminds me of the song "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"
(How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

He's as flighty as a feather
He's a darling! He's a demon! He's a lamb!

He is gentle! He is wild!
He's a riddle! He's a child!
He's a headache!
He's an angel!)

It's easy to get him excited about anything. He loves to go to the park and run around all over the place. He has enough energy to tire the duracell bunny. His energy is almost contagious. His vivacity and infectious laughter warms your heart and on the other hand his indomitability can stress you out.

He loves you in a way that you can't refuse. I think he loves his maasi (my sister) more than anyone else but he almost equally loves a lot of other people. He is a wonderful and responsible elder brother already. He protects you with all his might. He is sensitive to your moods and adjusts accordingly. Inspite of all his exterior raucousness he has a calm lovingness about him. Over time I have realised that I have underestimated him grossly. He was late talker and its very hard to know what one knows when one cannot express them in words. It's only now that I am beginning to understand his potentials. So..again ..I reiterate I have "miles to go"!!

Now Rayaan
When Rayaan come into our lives, I was not sure how I would be able to love another child the same way. But as they say , a mother loves all her kids equally... differently.

Rayaan has a calming influence on anyone who comes close to him. He does not jump at you and hence you won't notice him right away. But when you've settled down and decided to look around, you will spot him. He has a quiet and calm and loving demeanor that makes you want to protect him. His eyes are observant and silently learning his surroundings. He does not demand much but you will give it to him anyway. He does not cry about everything and you take his cry very seriously if he does. He is a force to reckon with.

He finds his space and enjoys playing within it. He is not scared to test boundaries but he does so cautiously. He obeys but knows to get his way without affecting.

He loves his brother and follows him around with ardent admiration. He will take any amount of torture to get into his brother good books.

Rayaan means the gate to heaven. I strongly believe he is my gate to heaven. He has taught me to be calmer and more patient.

So that was my longest post ever!! I am glad I got here.. I didn't think I would make it honestly. I thought this would be one of those posts I start and will get shelved, you will know what I am talking about if you peek into my drafts folder :)

So thankyou for you patience.

I am supposed to tag 5 people... !!!!!

Any of you want to do this??