Confirmed Diagnosis and its prognosis.

A nagging doubt was confirmed today. It all came out so matter-of-factly that it did not even sink in for sometime. A friend that had been acting really distant for a very long time finally confessed that he/she does not "like" me. It sounded very weird at first. It's one thing to not love someone ... but what does it take to not "like" someone? A gazillion thoughts flashed across my mind. I tried to stop them ... to block them... to pause them but all in vain. The eruption continued till I felt like I was cryogenised. At that point it was like my heart just froze.

It felt like I was sitting on a cloud drifting away into oblivion. It had reached a point where my mind built a fortress and no thought was penetrating it anymore. Or were my senses so numb to any perception?

So what does it take to not like someone? And if someone doesn't like you .. should it even matter? In this case it obviously mattered. It still matters. It is someone so indispensable ..so close. Admittedly, I have not had the most wonderful relationship with this person for a really, really long time. But there was never a moment that I did not care. Love they say cannot be bought ... but in this case even love could not conquer love!! I could even live with unrequited love .... but is liking and amity too much to ask for, I wonder?

Over that last few years, I have introspected and evaluated this matter very deeply. I have a tendency to overanalyse any situation. And in this case, I needed to know what I could do to make it better. I've tried almost every remedy in the book. I realised a long time ago that I have this inherent need to be liked. I happened to watch an episode of "The Golden Girls" one afternoon and it was an episode where one of the characters Rose was really upset about the fact that a colleague does not like her. To her utter dismay every effort of friendship from her side was thwarted by this colleague of hers. She was not used to being disliked. The rest of the girls tried to explain to her that it was okay if this one person in the world didn't like her. But it did not appeal to her well-being. I felt just like Rose. I could not let go of the fact that this person did not like me.

Finally while ruminating over it continually over a seemingly eternal time frame , I hit a point where I felt a sort of catharsis. I felt like this revelation was an ablution for all the hurt that I had been piling up. I felt like with all the penance and penitence even the good lord would forgive me some day. I felt that I donot deserve this self denunciation and disparagement. "To forgive is divine" is a christian doctrine that I hold very close to my heart. So I begin with forgiving myself today, maybe if I heal it will not matter anymore someday. And someday maybe my friend will heal the hurt and grant me mercy.

This is the altar at our house in India. It always feels like it's a special connection when I look at this picture.. I just had to fish this picture out today.